Crisis of confidence

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If you have been reading my blog the last couple of weeks, you know I have been traveling. Nothing too exciting as it was all for work. Traveling means staying in hotels, and that means being subjected to one of my least favorite things – the ginormous mirror across from the shower. You have probably stayed at a hotel where when you pull back the shower curtain after a shower and there you are in all your naked glory. Well I was not feeling glorious, and after several days of this I pulled out the boxing gloves and starting beating myself up.
I just stared at my body and thought there is no way this body belongs to me. Those mirrors caused me to take a long, hard look at my body, albeit in terrible lighting. I didn’t like what I saw. And it also caused me to think about WHY it was that way—too much food, too much beer, not enough discipline. My workouts were in no way changing my body’s appearance because I sabotaged it with food and beer. I became overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and despair. By the time I was on my flight home I had worked my mind into such a frenzy of negativity about myself that I was miserable.
What should have been a happy homecoming with my husband and dog was overshadowed by my sadness. I was glad to be home, but I was snappy and critical and not myself. Saturday morning I was sitting on my couch, and my husband said I looked deep in thought. I was deep in thought—about how crappy I felt about my body and my never ending quest to lose weight that rarely succeeds. Tears came to my eyes. It was definitely a low point.
I got up and emptied my suitcase and starting putting things away. The voice in my head telling me all the things I didn’t want to hear, when another voice came to me. This time it was my Yoga Teaching/Holistic Coach Training instructor. I knew the two things she would say to me if I told her how I felt—go to yoga and you have to do the work. So I put my yoga clothes on and dragged myself to a restorative yoga class.
I know the instructor and she greeted me by name which made me feel better. There were people of all sorts there. I breathed, I meditated, and I got back in touch with my body. And you know what? The memories of the mirror started to dissipate. I left the class feeling good, not cured, but good.
My husband and I spent the day at an art and craft show, then tried a new craft beer tap room (I know, I know). We had a great time discussing the origins of the place with one of the owners, and later chatted with another couple who had an anniversary around the same time as ours (mid-October). There was live music and we really enjoyed ourselves. We grabbed a bite to eat and went home to watch the Buckeyes.
Sunday morning I am feeling better. I have already made my mind up to go to another restorative yoga class that afternoon (which I do and it is awesome). I am still struggling with getting back on track with eating, so I head to the grocery store and buy fresh veggies and plan my meals for the week. I pull a lentil chili out of the freezer for my lunch. I take the dog for a long walk in my neighborhood and bring my phone so I can take pictures of the beautiful trees as they change color. The dog couldn’t be happier and the fresh air and natural beauty are invigorating. We make a low-fat turkey chili for dinner. My trainer emails me the workouts for the week. I tell him I need his motivation because I am down on myself. I know he will deliver. Memories of the mirror are getting more distant.
It’s now Monday and while there are some residual images in my head, they are far away. I had a good breakfast, my lentil chili for lunch, and will be heading to the gym after work. I believe getting myself back into a routine will be a big help.
I will slowly recover from my crisis of confidence. I want to be happy but I know I need to be realistic. I am to blame for my current condition, with maybe a little DNA thrown in. I could obsessively count calories and give up the food and drink I enjoy, work out longer and maybe even lose a few pounds. But I am going to honest—I don’t see that happening. I see myself on the same track—gym 3-5 times a week, daily meditation, yoga 3x week, eating well most of the time and doing whatever I want on the weekends. That is what makes me happy. Spending time with my husband and dog — that is what makes me happy. Gazing at the fall colors, crystal blue sky, breathing in the autumn air – that is what makes me happy. I believe happiness will take me a lot farther than if I let negativity rule my mind and body.
I saw this on Facebook and thought it was so appropriate for me:
Breathe.
Everything
Is working itself out for your best interest.
When you feel as if your outer world
Is falling apart—don’t give up.
Simply adjust your inner world and allow it
To reflect what you experience on the outside.
You’re going to be more than okay soon.
Just you see.
Trust yourself.

Evolver Social Movement Facebook post (I couldn’t read who the author of the quote)
I will continue to recover, and I am already preparing for my next trip in November. Once in my hotel room, I will walk into the bathroom and announce “F*^k off, mirror”. I love me and that is all that matters.

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