Solving A Mystery of Me

  
“To know the whole world is nothingwhen it is compared to knowing your own inner mystery of life.”

– Osho​

In college I switched my major from pre-Med to Psychology. Why was I pre-Med? Because I wanted to be a coroner. I thought it was fascinating to look for clues as to why someone died. To this day I watch shows and read books about autopsies to satisfy my curiosity about the mystery of someone’s death. Why did I switch my major then? Because I sucked at advanced math and chemistry. I wasn’t used to getting anything below an A- and I was struggling heartily. So instead of looking at the mysteries of death, I thought maybe studying the mysteries of the brain would be easier. I decided I wanted to be an alcohol and drug counselor. I had this dream of working at the Betty Ford clinic and helping celebrities overcome their addictions (I was 20 years old and this sounded “glamorous”). I took several classes on how drugs affect the brain and it ignited my curiosity—why did people do certain drugs? Why did some become addicted and others didn’t? I did well in those classes and graduated with a degree in Psychology.  

I did not pursue my career in alcohol and drug counselling because 1) it required more schooling and I was not interested in that and 2) it didn’t pay for shit. As a poor college student the thought of going in debt for a job that wasn’t going to pay was not appealing in the least. At the time of my graduation I was working part time at a bank, so I worked my way up there, got into finance and investments, and remain in that field to this day. But my curiosity about addiction didn’t go away.

I got interested again in reading about addiction as the headlines grew around heroin addiction. It is a major epidemic right now and as someone who has never considered heroin use, I was curious why someone would even try it and then how they would become addicted to it. But that isn’t the main topic of this blog.  

I have written previously about reflecting on situations and self-analyzing to figure out the causes of why I might do something—my innate curiosity popping up again. So during a session with my life coach, she brought up the subject. I was curious about why people might start doing drugs, why don’t I look at why I started drinking alcohol? It stopped me in my tracks. I had a very real visceral reaction. My immediate emotional reaction was I AM SCARED.  

Drinking has been woven into my family fabric my whole life and played a major role in my relationships. My motto was Work Hard Play Hard, and playing hard meant partying hard for a lot of years. Things have settled down considerably, but there is still an undercurrent that bubbles up from time to time.  

What if through my self-analyzation I realized that I should stop drinking? What would I do? How would my husband react? I was scared that the world as I knew it would change drastically. The act of looking at why I started drinking “hit close to the bone” as my coach and I discussed. It was something she had brought up before, and something I was not ready to confront. Until now. It was time to get curious—but this time it was about me.

While it is scary, at the same time it could be a whole new beginning. What if things are even BETTER after I do this? How many other aspects of my life might make sense once I find the answer to this question? What if my relationship with my husband became even STRONGER? What if this was the key to unlocking what is holding me back from attaining everything I wanted? I won’t know until I go on that journey. And I have decided to do it.

This is not a typical journey for me – it is one that I believe could very much change the course of my life. It is time to solve ONE of the mysteries of me.

“The possession of knowledge does not

kill the sense of wonder and mystery.

There is always more mystery.”

– Anais Nin

   

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